Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside, and the air disintegrates them.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I rise from the moist crevice of thought, I beat on the shores of her holy body, I fall from the sky in silver sheets of sadness. Rise onto me my precious sun.

Why does the eye see a thing more clearly in dreams than the imagination when awake?

Death is feared as birth is forgotten.

It is a glorious occupation, vivifying and self-sustaining in its nature, to struggle with ignorance, and discover to the inquiring minds of the masses the clear cerulean blue of heavenly truth.

The only good enemy is a dead enemy.

I can be a lazy dresser.

Over the years, I've made many sacrifices to win two Olympic gold medals and put together winning streaks that will never be broken.

When someone that you love dies..it's like fireworks suddenly burning out in the sky and everything going black.

May our house always be too small to hold all of our friends.

It's hard for people to see you one way, but you're really the other way, so it's kind of like, 'Who am I, who are you?' Sometimes, I confuse even myself.