Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Autumn is the mellower season, and what we lose in flowers we more than gain in fruits.

Act – make an event. Smash the coordinates and see where the smithereens fly. Let in the madness, and be sure to be a danger to oneself and others. Too much thinking turns you into that fool Hamlet.

It's hard not to immediately fall in love witha dog who has a good sense of humor.

When I first did the book on gasoline stations, people would look at it and say, Are you kidding or what? Why are you doing this? In a sense, that's what I was after: I was after the head-scratching.

We live in a hell of opinions.

I think it's very much a men's thing to be able to have that fantasy to kill the beast.

And indeed nothing had happened, a momentous nothing, just another of the great world's shrugs of indifference.

Voters decide nothing. Vote counters decide everything!

I don't like workouts that make you bulky.

Anger assists hands however weak. [Lat., Quamlibet infirmas adjuvat ira manus.]