English is my second language. Laughter is my first.

As long as the government can arbitrarily decide which substances are legal and which are illegal, then those who remain behind bars for illegal substances are political prisoners

There is indeed a business like show business. It's the news.

I Used To Believe In Reincarnation, But That Was In a Past Life.

For years, reality has been nipping at the heels of satire. Now, it's finally caught up. I don't need to make this stuff up.

I had become an atheist at the age of thirteen, when atomic bombs were dropped on Japan.

I guess I'm a spiritual secularist, if that's not an oxymoron. My paths of secularism and spirituality are the same: I try to do the appropriate thing at each moment.

Since I was both an atheist and an absurdist, I had decided that the most absurd thing I could do would be to develop an intimate relationship with the God I didn't believe in.

People don’t like to be lectured to, but if you can make them laugh, their defenses come down, and for the time being they’ve accepted whatever truth is embedded in your humor.

Avoid internalizing society's sexism, racism, ageism - pick an ism, any ism.

Irreverence is our only sacred cow.

One who practices pure religion soon discovers it is more rewarding to lift a man up than to hold him down.

As a nation we should look more carefully at how our fear of future acts of terrorism is undermining our quality of life.

They want to be stimulated. They want to read something that can get under their skin and hang out there for a while.

If you're a champion you have to have it in your heart.

Alone. The saddest word in the world.

A man had to learn, it was his nature.

I see that mankind still survives after all its attempts to destroy itself and so I surmise that it is the law of love that rules mankind.

I don't dictate particular styles of dress. I do teach classes in self discovery.

Your decisions reveal your priorities

The money one gets for selling one's soul is always spent in deadening one's conscience, so the net gain at the end of a lifetime is no greater than if the diabolic bargain had not been struck.