Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

Don't believe in miracles - depend on them.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.

When in doubt or danger, run in circles, scream and shout.

A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.

There are two kinds of failures: those who thought and never did, and those who did and never thought

Some problems are so complex that you have to be highly intelligent and well informed just to be undecided about them.

Everyone rises to their level of incompetence.

Your external world is a mirror of your internal world, and if you can discipline yourself to change your thoughts, your external world will change.

Either I'm changing very quickly, and everything is standing still, or I'm the one standing still and everything is changing around me. Either way, I'm out of joint with the world.

One secret of life is that the reason life works at all is that not everyone in your tribe is nuts on the same day. Another secret is that laughter is carbonated holiness

Politicians are people who learn not to blink, when they lie.

The current Babe Ruth of improv? Sacha Baron Cohen. He's pretty amazing.

One nice thing about telling a clean joke is there's a good chance no one's heard it before.

A healthy person goes 'Yes,' 'No,' and 'Whoopee!' An unhealthy person goes 'Yes, but,' 'No, but,' and 'No whoopee.

I'd rather lose her from my life, but know she was alive and well than lose her altogether to death.

You could sing us the phone book and we would still love you.

I can't single out one thing that influenced me. My generation was influenced greatly by the manga that came out during our childhood.