Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Careless and not particularly biting, it was easier to shrug off than anything in the first book which depicted me as an inarticulate zombie confused by the irony of Randy Newman's "I Love L.A.

Sometimes the hardest things to believe are the only things worth believing at al.

I'm really just playing when I write. I feel like I'm a kid again. I want my characters to do and say things like when I played with dolls!

Christianity is different from all other religions? They deal with the story of man's search for God. The Gospels deals with the story of God's search for man.

Small men oft feel a need to prove their courage with unseemly boasts," he declared. "I doubt if he could kill a duck." Tyrion shrugged. "Fetch the duck.

You can't rely on bringing people downtown, you have to put them there.

Men lie, who lack courage to tell truth--the cowards!

Men and women serving in the military deserve better than what they're giving - what we're giving them. They don't know what they're going to be doing tomorrow.

If we only had some God in the country's laws, instead of being in such a sweat to get him into the Constitution, it would be better all around.

We don't have a refugee crisis in America; we have a racism crisis here.