Eternity: The interval between the time when a woman discovers that a man is in love with her and the time when he finds it out himself and tells her about it.

A wise woman puts a grain of sugar into everything she says to a man, and takes a grain of salt with everything he says to her.

Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

Love, like a chicken salad or restaurant hash, must be taken with blind faith or it loses its flavor.

Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning hand springs or eating with chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it.

A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it.

A bride at her second marriage does not wear a veil. She wants to see what she is getting.

A good woman inspires a man, a brilliant woman interests him, a beautiful woman fascinates him, but a sympathetic woman gets him.

Wedding: the point at which a man stops toasting a woman and begins roasting her.

The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.

The kingdom of heaven in not a place but a state of mind.

I like a man who can respect a woman. When he's real attentive, I think that is very manly. To respect a woman is divine.

Wherever the choice has had to be made between the man of reason and the madman, the world has unhesitatingly followed the madman.

The purse is the mirror of the soul.

I was wrong about [Jack] Keane. He is the exception that proves the rule. I was certainly right about the fact that he is a member of the warrior class.

That's because international Islamic religious fanatics have the same goal as the Axis fascists - the destruction of our way of life.

It was dreadful, I had pain. It was like someone was trying to put pressure up there.

If you're unhappy, you should change what you're doing.

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.

The metaphysical insanities of Athanasius, of Loyola, and of Calvin, are, to my understanding, mere lapses into polytheism, differing from paganism only by being more unintelligible.