Evangelical Christianity, as everyone knows, is founded upon hate, as the Christianity of Christ was founded upon love.

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

The demagogue is one who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots.

The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.

Morality is doing what is right, no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told, no matter what is right.

Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.

The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule.

It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.

Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.

I was twelve. You were girls, and therefore an entirely different species.

Count your blessings. Millions of people would love to trade their problems for yours.

There is no excitement anywhere in the world short of war to match the excitement of the American presidential campaign.

Thoughts in your head are really no different than the sound of a bird outside. It is just that you decide that they are more or less relevant.

Now, al Qaeda's on the run. Afghanistan is no longer a base of operations. The Afghan government is a friendly government that is trying to bring democracy to its people.

I have a full life off the road. I was never in it just for the money or the career. That's why I'm comfortable with myself. I know who I am out of the spotlight.

I'm perfect. We're all perfect.

Here Spring just grows and greens and warms, spreading life, wrapping us in her arms, until suddenly we realize that she's not a girl anymore. She's a woman. A woman named Summer.

By emphasizing the importance of a common language, we safeguard a proud legacy and help to ensure that America's future will be as great as her past.

You don't raise $15 million by accident. I'm asking him to come forward and quit claiming he doesn't know what's going on in his own campaign.