Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Where faith costs nothing, faith loses respect, even to those who possess it.

You have to give yourselfpermission to be happy.Nobody else can give it to you.

It is not merely cruelty that leads men to love war it is excitement.

The man who asks a woman what she wants deserves all that's coming to him.

It's called talent. I just have it. I can't explain it. You either have it or you don't.

Society can overlook murder, adultery or swindling; it never forgives preaching of a new gospel.

I didn't view my body as broken, I reasoned that a human being can never be broken. Technology is broken. Technology is inadequate.

Jim Bakker is an extremely talented preacher, if he would just get it together.

A great change is at hand, and our task, our obligation, is to make that revolution, that change, peaceful and constructive for all.

Gloomy calm of idle vacancy.