Even if you are 18, my advice to you is: plan for your future.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

I've always said women are vicious creatures - Detective Zach Grimes

Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart.

You have to spend your political capital on great causes for your country.

Joy is obtaining a big, loving, caring shut-knit household in yet another town.

I am particularly horrified by the use of propaganda and the manipulation of the truth and the revision of history.

Werewolves? Oh please, just plain stupid. Who wants to get it on with a man ruled by his inner dog?

Stupidity is what we all have in common as human beings, but some people insist that improving it is their entitlement.

I think you can tell, when you meet someone, whether they read novels or not. There is some little hollowness if they don't.

There are many exceptions, but New York is a great place to start a career.