Even when you hear about a comedian getting married, among comedians, we're always kind of like, what are they doing?

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

I do not write for children, but for the childlike, whether of five, or fifty, or seventy-five.

I have a background in theater, so I have experience with actors. I like actors - I used to be one.

I think it is important to pass on the message to young people who are going through a difficult time with friends that it will pass.

Human nature is so weak that the honest men who have no religion make me fret with their perilous virtue, as rope-dancers with their dangerous equilibrium.

None of the activity stolen by work can be regained by submitting to what work has produced. - The Society of The Spectacle

The notion of the world as a village is becoming a reality.

There is therefore a tremendous mystery in the fact that God may be united with man and the man with God.

I wore my same look for six years. My hat and glasses - people recognize me now.

If you're going to change a habit, you must BE the treatment.