Ever since I was little it was programmed into me that London is where great theatre occurs and all the big shows you love start there.

I was mad when I heard The Amazing Race wasn't about white people.

I was kosher until I had my Bar Mitzvah, and I parlayed officially becoming a man into telling my father I wanted to eat cheeseburgers.

I once fisted two babies and then used the corpses as boxing gloves to fight off the grieving parents.

It's all about being a part of something in the community, socializing with people who share interests and coming together to help improve the world we live in.

In New York, we tip everyone. We tip doormen, we tip cab drivers, and we tip bartenders at the bar. You'll get quite an evil eye if you don't leave a tip at the bar.

I like hot dogs. I like eggplant. I like pizza and creamed corn and beer. But I don't like Arabs.

The best way to travel abroad is to live with the locals.

I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog

It turns out Superman is weak to Kryptonite and horses.

Women have the right to choose what do with their own bodies. They can take it in the cooch or in the pooper. But that's where their right to choose stops, in my opinion.

The amusements of life, he argued, should be accepted with the same philosophy as its ills. ("The Striding Place")

If your life's at a juncture and you need to think about things, there's nowhere better than home. However old you are.

Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.

Until we question our stressful thoughts, we remain victims of the images in our head.

For some reason, religious jokes seem as trivial as jokes about food or driving.

Being closed to outsiders made the iPhone reliable and predictable.

There has to be a mathematical explanation for how bad that tie is.

I doubt if there ever was a man who was not gratified by being told that he was liked by the women.

Cooperate with your destiny, don't go against it, don't thwart it. Allow it to fulfill itself.

I turned down a lot of reality shows in the past, but MTV, back in the day, was just the coolest with Cribs to Pimp My Ride.