Every Friday is black where I work.

If we get a 3D printer at the office, the first thing I’m printing with it is a new 3D printer just for me!

Philadelphia is just the tip of the Pittsburgh.

The real mystery isn't what's under the redaction mark, but what's above it.

I'd rather have less time than I think, than less think than I have time.

Paradigm shift: does that come before swing shift or after?

The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA.

The Occupy Wall Street movement faltered when activists realized that traders were quite busy already.

Ever notice that phrenologists have funny-shaped heads?

Secret 7591.42.21. Avoiding weasel words in your intelligence analysis isn't easy when your intelligence analysis is about weasels.

Black graffiti on a black helicopter.

Most poor people in America were like Arleen: they did not live in public housing or apartments subsidized by vouchers. Three in four families who qualified for assistance received nothing.

But if government is in the business of promoting what is good and suppressing the bad, that is a license for it to stick it’s nose into virtually every human activity.

A life without goal is a ship without rudder!

It is foolish to try to imitate the skills of others.

In Courtney Moreno's In Case of Emergency the working class save the world and themselves. A wonderful first book!

I thought doing reality TV would be the greatest success of my life or the biggest mistake.

Never try to put all the chemicals in the entire world in your body at the same time.

I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again.'

Accuracy builds credibility.

Stand-up is my foundation. That's where it started at. And I love it because it's personal. It's mine. It's all me. It's my experience in life.