Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Faith is the virtue of the storm, just as happiness is the virtue of sunshine.

Play is the highest expression of human development in childhood, for it alone is the free expression of what is in a child’s soul,

Although the troops have struck us, we throw it all behind and are glad to meet you in peace and friendship.

Everything that happened to you is a page that's been turned and is done with.

Those who give much without sacrifice are reckoned as having given little.

Foreign nations have begun to include information warfare in their war college curricula with respect to both defensive and offensive applications.

Never love something so much that you can’t let go of it.

Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed.

All those young photographers who are at work in the world, determined upon the capture of actuality, do not know that they are agents of Death.

Religion is the life of India, religion is the language of this country, the symbol of all its movements.