Every child that receives life advice should keep in mind that in every parent’s past, there’s leftover booze and contraceptives.

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.

The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.

Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I'm proving her wrong. I'm going to die on my knees, begging for my life.

I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed.

I love working with my hands. My writing is rough, my paper bruised with ink stains.

Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion.

Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?

If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said, 'His sins were scarlet, but his books were read.

Every great man is an idol, an oracle of inquiry. Don't aspire to know the former, but aspire to know the diety in his soul.

I have everything I had twenty years ago only it's all a little bit lower.

Happiness must be cultivated. It is like character. It is not a thing to be safely let alone for a moment, or it will run to weeds.

Conclusion 1: Boredom= Flared tempers= hard words

If a woman is determined, she will get what she wants because we are very determined creatures.

If I'd trusted myself and listened to myself all the times that I ignored myself, I would have been fine. But everyone has to learn their lesson, and now I've got it.

Inspirational leadership connects to a highly motivated workforce which, in turn, means inspirational results

All that is needed for the majority of labors to go well is a healthy, pregnant woman who has loving support in labor, self-confidence , and attendants with infinite patience.

Could I betray my absent heart to save my pathetic life?