Every day is a gift. That said, I've gotten some pretty shitty gifts over the years.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Get a shot of love to prevent the infection called depression.

Once you're labeled as mentally ill, and that's in your medical notes, then anything you say can be discounted as an artefact of your mental illness.

Freedom is not something that one people can bestow on another as a gift. Thy claim it as their own and none can keep it from them.

Being in a war situation is probably the most extreme situation for a human being to be in.

Your woman pisses you off so that gets in there; that's rock n roll.

From the first, I regarded myself as under obligation to my country to preserve the faces of its historic men and mothers

The virtue of losing is we get used to the fact that competing and to lose doesn't kill you. It just makes you stronger. It just helps you get used to it.

I have never been a celibate. If people believe so, that is their foolishness.

A reduction in emissions matters more than what a country pays for it.

It helps me chill out and focus.