Every day theres something new. Something's going to destroy us all. Then it disappears.

I don't like conservatives. They always talk about the good old days. I'm black, we have no good old days.

I like psycho chicks... Yeah, you hook up with a psycho, you're gonna learn something. First thing you learn is how to sleep with one eye open.

We had one idiot put a bomb in a shoe, and now everybody's got to take their shoes off? Where's the bra bomber at? I say, if we've gotta wait in line, let's make it fun for everybody.

A joke is either funny or it's not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh, that's what I do. I don't start a focus group to see who got hurt by the joke.

I have fantasies of burning down an insurance company just so THEY have to make a claim.

I was on the highway - I saw the scariest thing in the world, man. I saw an Asian driving an SUV. Really, I just drove my car right into the guardrail, figured I'd save him some time.

I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.

I grew up in the suburbs. I'm an angry suburban nergo. I'm bad in, like, Starbucks. I'll hurt you over a frappuccino.

Nothing good ever climbed up the side of a boat.

Women like jewelry. They're like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they'll follow you home.

My ideas about vampires may be romantic, but your attitudes toward women need a major overhaul.

I object to a legal approach when settling questions of science or scientific behavior.

Having kids is very difficult to do on your own, and it's really crazy difficult to think you're doing it as a team and to find out that you're not actually part of a team.

The more hard lessons you can learn vicariously rather than through your own hard experience, the better.

Chivalry is dead. Women killed it.

What anybody else thinks about you is really of no consequence. It's what you think of yourself.

Bush promised a foreign policy of humility and a domestic policy of compassion. He has given us a foreign policy of arrogance and a domestic policy that is cynical, myopic and cruel.

Avarice is insatiable, and is always pushing on for more.

This is Reagan country. Yeah! And perhaps it was destiny that the man who went to California's Eureka College would become so woven within and interlinked to the Golden State.

I most sincerely doubt if any other race of women could have brought its fineness up through so devilish a fire.