Every dude in here has had a fantasy about Jessica Simpson. Here's mine: Jessica, hold your sister Ashlee so I can kick her in the throat.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

A clown on a throne is still a clown. A king in rags is still a king.

That's really part of being a grounded theory researcher - putting names to concepts and experiences that people have.

The root of suffering is attachment

I hitchhiked, took trucks 'n' trains - anything that would pick me up. I stopped in Memphis for about six months and they found me and come got me. Stayed about a month an' split again.

People think you know beforehand when you win an Oscar - I can assure you you don't.

A lot of people believe you only need a vision. This is simply not correct. You need brilliant execution every day. It's about attention to all the details of go to market.

You don't have to do anything.

When one woman doesn't speak, other women get hurt.

The unique essence of being an artist is dying. Eveything looks the same. Now there’s a formula. And it works. - But it takes away from the reason we do it.

It is war's prize to take all vantages; And ten to one is no impeach of valor.