Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

The Truth is the only thing you’ll ever run into that has no agenda.

A man can have no greater honour than to be accepted by God as an able Minister of the gospel

My rule of thumb is build a site for a user, not a spider.

The real secret to my success was I could shoot with either hand. Ironically, I became ambidextrous as a direct result of breaking my right hand.

...a fixation is very stubborn: it burrows into the brain and breaks the heart. There are many fixations, but love is the worst.

FOr a while, I'd never had the opportunity to prove on TV that I could play the piano.

The gap between bat and pad is so much that I would have driven a car through it... !!

Mostly birthmarks is what I learned about Sandra Bullock that I wasn't aware of.

We can survive as a population only if we conserve, develop sustainably, and protect the world's resources.

First of all, I can't forget my first responsibility - which is to be the Leader of the Opposition and that's to provide an alternative government.