Every man is his own hell.

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

The demagogue is one who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots.

The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary.

Morality is doing what is right, no matter what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told, no matter what is right.

Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.

The urge to save humanity is almost always a false front for the urge to rule.

It is inaccurate to say that I hate everything. I am strongly in favor of common sense, common honesty, and common decency. This makes me forever ineligible for public office.

Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.

I didn’t know what

John Andrew Holmes, “No exercise is better for the human heart than reaching down and lifting another up.

Breckin, this is Holder. Holder is not my boyfriend, but if I catch him trying to break the record for best first kiss with another girl, then he'll soon be my not breathing non-boyfriend.

The important thing is somehow to begin.

A man should live with his superiors as he does with his fire: not too near, lest he burn; nor too far off, lest he freeze.

Training a puppy is like raising a child. Every single interaction is a training opportunity.

I can't stand black guys. I would never touch one. It's gross.

I don't want someone to squeeze me, that might take away my life. Just want someone to hold me, and we'll rock through the night.

The salvation of the world is in man's suffering.