Every new year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?

Some tortures are physical And some are mental, But the one that is both Is dental.

Middle-age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, were it not for making living, which is rather a nouciance.

The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

Behold the Zebra on the plains, And shudder at his mighty manes!

The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.

When I remember bygone days I think how evening follows morn So many I loved were not yet dead, So many I love were not yet born.

Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

The warring conflict in man between the intellect and the libido shall never be twinned.

I always thought the key to immortality would be, like, tiny robots fixing things in your brain, ” she says. “Not books.

Insolence is not logic epithets are the arguments of malice.

I am not afraid of a fight I have to do my duty come what may.

That's the best way to audition for anything: When your back-up plan is your dream, you know?

Life is what you make it.

War is science of destruction.

Its limitations are those of the physical universe: it won't let you play with some really wild ideas that aren't possible, but are fun to speculate about.

I can barely even run a computer. God knows what I'd get on online dating. I'd get something that was subhuman or something.

Time,--the most independent of all things.