Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it "The No Fact Zone.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?

War is ever the folly of the ignorant. But I have seen much to convince me some wars must be fought, to the bitterest end if need be.

Adversity is awakening of spirit.

The biggest threats to human survival today are not wars or conflict, it is modern business.

Why should we refuse the happiness this hour gives us because some other hour might take it away?

I'm not often bored,' I assured her. "Life's not long enough for that.

I don't do much cooking, but one of my favorite dishes to eat is my wife's macaroni and cheese.

I ain't guilty cause, even though I sell rocks Yo sound the bells school is in sucker

He can do most who has most power.

I like to crack the jokes now and again, but it's only because I struggle with math.