Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

Sickness occurs when we desire what we need and what’s desirable with equal intensity, suffering our lack of perfection as if we were suffering for lack of bread.

In order to understand the world, one has to turn away from it on occa

You win some and you lose some. Unless you're Virgil, then you lose them all.

I'm pretty equal opportunity when it comes to issues to joke about.

Men are not troubled by things themselves, but by their thoughts about them

A man must not only stand for the right principles, but he must also fight for them. Those who fight for principle can be proud of the friends they've gained and the enemies they've earned.

I don't care what people come at me with. People have come at me with everything you could imagine. I could care less about that.

As we interact with God, we'll find ourselves more satisfied in Him and less satisfied with things much less important.

People do things that turn out badly, often for the most benevolent of reasons.

If you take care of the woman in the family, the whole family prospers. But when the mother falters, the family falls apart.