Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.

Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.

Being Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm was the best thing to happen to Larry David in life.

Give a guy a girlfriend and a great job, he doesn’t need therapy.

I’d rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time.

Women love a self-confident bald man.

Sometimes you have to wander a bit, and do what you don't want to in order to figure out what it is you're supposed to do.

Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.

A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone

Don't tawch meh matherfawker!

Writers get ideas all day every day. The FedEx guy delivers a package from Sears and the writer is thinking how it could actually be a ticking time bomb.

I did an A Level in Theatre Studies and had a really inspirational teacher, and then I just went on to university.

Every age has a keyhole to which its eye is pasted.

It isn’t much use writing slogans on a wall if you plan to total the building.

In any language it is a struggle to make a sentence say exactly what you mean.

The spirit of advaita is not to keep away from anything, but to keep in tune with everything

My mom and I had secret from my dad that we didn't think we were stupid, that we didn't think we needed feminism to be explained to us.

Some people seemed to get all sunshine, and some all shadow.

I'm a bit of a connoisseur of Google criticism.