Every television show you go on is a choice.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I believe that on any trip to heaven, there are always detours through hell.

I definitely feel moved and affected after interviews, but not in a way that's anything other than positive. There are moments that make me want to cry, but not in any way I can't handle.

It is absurd to look for perfection.

I was always trying, even in pure action movies, to find what was sensitive about the character more than the pure action.

Fulfillment has nothing to do with circumstances.

I have believed for many years that Oscar Peterson is not only the greatest pianist in jazz today, but the greatest it has ever known.

Los Angeles is a very special city. It's a great ethnic mix, a great cultural mix.

English has borrowed from everywhere and now goes everywhere.

I’m not sure I’ll ever be finished. No matter how much I write, there will always be something I should’ve said.

Brother,” Artemis chided. “You do not help my Hunters. You do not look at, talk to, or flirt with my Hunters. And you do not call them sweetheart.