Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

If pain doesn't lead to humility, you have wasted your suffering.

You belong to the earth and the earth is hard.

If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance.

There is nothing more awe-inspiring than a miracle except the credulity that can take it at par.

I'm coming to London next week, by the way, in unhappy circumstances. Are we getting on fine as we are? Or would you like a drink?

Kids haven't changed much, but parents seem increasingly unhappy with the child raising phase of their lives.

We who live in free market societies believe that growth and prosperity, and ultimately human fulfillment are created from the bottom up, not the government down.

I learned the hula, so now I know how to shake my booty Hawaiian style.

When you're one step ahead of the crowd you're a genius. When you're two steps ahead, you're a crackpot.

Idealism, alas, does not protect one from ignorance, dogmatism, and foolishness.