Every time I get on an airplane I figure it's gonna get blown up. You live on the edge.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

When you enter the world of laughter, you enter the world of fantasy and creativity.

I was an hungred and ye gave me meat I was thirsty and ye gave me drink I was a stranger and ye took me in.

Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and have her nonsense respected.

Life is a series of waves to be embraced and overcome.

Most of the successful people I've known are the ones who do more listening than talking.

Passion cooks. Reason cleans.

I don't take right decisions, I take decisions and make them right

Security is a false God. Begin to make sacrifices to it and you are lost.

Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you - all of the expectations, all of the beliefs - and becoming who you are.

I think you always have to find where the boundary is in relation to the context in order to be able to kind of articulate how you want the space to interact with the viewer.