Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I went down to the river, I set down on the bank.I tried to think but couldn't, So I jumped in and sank.

I’ve learned to turn life’s setbacks into opportunities for creation.

Poetry should help, not only to refine the language of the time, but to prevent it from changing too rapidly.

Dentist: a prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coin out of your pocket.

When eating an elephant take one bite at a time.

One time when I was visiting The Vatican I got the Pope really drunk, and then while he was sleeping I put his hand in the holy water.

If vitality gives a man's perspectives color, if community bonds give them breadth, if awareness of the land makes them realistic, a deep sense of loyalty gives them personal meaning and integrity.

When I was a senior, I ran for class president. And I lost. One of my opponents even told me I was "really stupid" if I thought a girl could be elected president.

I tend to get my hands into all these other things and all these distractions, and after a while I start feeling depleted.

What's the newest grief? Each minute tunes a new one.