Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.

I have a hard time watching films and not thinking how I would play any part, whether its a man or a woman.

It was cool to feel this global electronic thing happening. But it just got to be too much at a certain point.

When the Holy Spirit calls your to fast, He is preparing you for what is ahead.

Hearts don't often break even. One person is usually more hurt while the other is more relieved.

The idea of heaven is Christianity's way of creating a hell on earth.

In choosing joy, the finish line dissolves into a different matter altogether.

In college, my teachers were usually after me for going after comedy too much, leaning too much in that direction.

On the whole, anything that gets you writing and keeps you writing is a good thing. Anything that stops you writing is a bad thing.

My dear soul, flee from the worthless, stay close only to those with a pure heart. Like attracts like. A crow will lead you to the graveyard, a parrot to a lump of sugar.

Now I understand all those chick flicks I made fun of. 'Cause now I'm the sappy dork willing to risk it all for the girl. Estoy enamorado...I'm in love.