Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.

I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

Discover your sacred soul.

Man makes his own destiny. Despite being a woman, she makes Man, a Gentleman.

Borrowed thoughts like borrowed money only show the poverty of the borrower.

I'm psyched about what I can contribute that can be meaningful to myself and to others.

You're always looking to have a unique experience as an actor, and definitely, being punched by a puppet ranks as a singular experience in my career.

My mother thought Hollywood was a den of iniquity, and people came to terrible bad ends there.

A depression is a large-scale decline in production and trade...there is nothing in the nature of a free-market economy to cause such an event.

If I had more time, I'd watch more woodworking or home-improvement shows, but, not enough hours in the day.

As long as I feel like I can win majors and contend, I'll continue to play.

I'm really sarcastic. Not Morgan Webb sarcastic. She's dry, 100%. I'm different from her.