Every week for me was the same audience, and every week they heckled me. The better I got at comedy, the better the audience was at heckling me. But it helped me with my joke writing.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

To enhance and expand your vision, get an education.

Don't condemn what you can't comprehend

In times of sorrow, be still.

And her dumplings were so light they would float in the air and you'd have to catch 'em to eat 'em.

Difficulties are meant to rouse not discourage. The human spirit is to grow strong by conflict.

Love is one of my main inspirations.

You must be respectable, if you will be respected.

The other great development has been in photography, but that too was influenced by Conceptual art.

Goals should always be made to a point that will make us reach and strain.

There is nothing more beautiful than a confident woman.