Every year, hundreds of thousands of people try their hand at this demanding profession (humor columnist). After a few months, almost all of them have given up and gone back to the ninth grade.

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.

Thanks to modern medical advances such as antibiotics, nasal spray, and Diet Coke, it has become routine for people in the civilized world to pass the age of 40, sometimes more than once.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

I'd rather be a friendless loser than have a bunch of friends who secretly hated me. (spoken by Massie Block)

And lo I am with you always, even to the very end of the age.

How sad, he thought, that desire found new objects but did not abate, that when it came to longing there was no end.

I am very little inclined on any occasion to say anything unless I hope to produce some good by it.

Good mothers are underrated, just like good defense.

TV is the best. I wish that's how life was.

I am powerful because of who and what I am. Not because of who I am not.

Artistry is important. Skill, hard work, rewriting, editing, and careful, careful craft: All of these are necessary. These are what separate the beginners from experienced artists.

I buy everything from CostCo. It's great; they've got everything I need.

Beethoven and Beatles, Mozart and Michael Jackson, Paganini and Prince - I like them all.