Everybody I know is a joke writer.

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade... And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party.

You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take, or a class you can go to.

You can't fix stupid.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.

In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

The next time you have a thought... let it go.

Diamonds - that'll shut her up... for a minute!

Compassion brings us peace of mind. It brings a smile to our face and genuine smiles bring us closer together.

Living the Christian life means striving for holiness.

Humility is so shy. If you begin talking about it, it leaves.

Sometimes I live so much in my mind that I forget what is right before my eyes.

So through identification you have pleasure and pain.

I live on my gut instinct.

I don't have to do anything. The character is shaped on the page.

Don't wish. Don't Start. Wishing only wounds the heart.

Anyone can sleep with a guy in 24-48 hours, but you're sending the wrong signal to the guy if you do that.

Once people see that you improve you life if you are educated, then education becomes a valuable tool and people want it.