Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

You experience true happiness when the things you desire rise up to the level of the things you deserve.

...They are merely scars, not mortal wounds and you must use them to propel you forward.

The thing is, I don't even hate cops. To tell you the truth, I actually feel a little sorry for them.

Mum, ” she frowned “if one has freedom of worship to either be a Christian, Muslim, Jew, Buddhist or pagan: why can’t one have freedom to marry whoever or whatever one loves?

I have always loved locomotives passionately. For me they are living creatures and I love them as others love women or horses.

Procrastination isn't the problem. It's the solution. It's the universe's way of saying stop, slow down, you move too fast.

I walked away from Kyoto because it would damage America's economy, you bet. It would have destroyed our economy. It was a lousy deal for the American economy. I felt there was a better way.

Art is a weapon for me, with which I can strike back.

I will take on the epidemics of gun violence and campus sexual assault, so that everyone in America is safe and respected, no matter who they are, where they live, or who they love.

Extreme things are like miracles. Nothing is as boring as a person who is just okay.