Everybody knows we're entitled to one Jerusalem. History reveals very simply that this is our land from the days of the Bible.

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

My grandfather always said, Don't watch your money, watch your health. So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

Ladies and gentlemen, you can't please everyone. Take my girlfriend - I think she's the most remarkable woman in the world. . . . That's me . . . But to my wife . . .

It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.

Blacks can get into medical school with a lower grade ... If that's true, a Jew should be able to play basketball with a lower net.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

On the murder of New York deli owner Abe Lebewohl: It's almost like wiping out Carnegie Hall. A sandwich to a Jew is just as important as a country to a Gentile.

My father was a very successful businessman, but he was ruined in the stock market crash. A big stockbroker jumped out the window and fell on his pushcart.

America is the only country in the world where you can burn the flag but can't tear the tag off the mattress.

Incestuous, homogeneous fiefdoms of self-proclaimed expertise are always rank-closing and mutually self-defending, above all else.

Everybody says that I have a lot of power. But what does that power consist of?... Can I influence governments? I am beginning to be able to..." (1995)

I appreciate the gesture, but you don't have to undress in order to apologize

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Don’t use the language of ‘good’ or ‘bad’ when talking about blood sugar numbers – these are data points, not judgments of your ability to manage your diabetes.

I have to make this love affair believable enough. It's very European.

To live in the world without becoming aware of the meaning of the world is like wandering about in a great library without touching the books.

A man's motive in the small actions of daily life, like resting a moment on his pitchfork in the sun and listening intently, may be the most important thing about that man.

Bill O'Reilly, Megyn Kelly and Sean Hannity are the Mount Rushmore of keeping old people angry.

It seems that every time I stick my neck out, I get my foot into something else.