Everybody thought Barack Obama was going to [inspire people] when he came to Washington, but, you know, the Senate seems like the place where smart people go to die.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

Reward those who help you. Forget those who use you. Ignore those who judge you. Forgive those who wrong you.

It was just me and him, there in that place where tragedy had happened, where I thought my life had ended. But somehow, he made it seem like a home again. Somehow, he gave it back to me.

how cruel, your veins are full of ice-water and mine are boiling

I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. [And] I want to be known for what I do best.

I would love [to learn more about fashion] - anything that's going to help me put certain looks together.

I am on the edge of mysteries and the veil is getting thinner and thinner.

Sometimes, we are afraid of something because we're afraid of something else.

We can choose between the future and the past, between reason and ignorance, between true compassion and mere ideology.

Have you ever done that? You feel really bad, and then it goes away, and you don’t know why.

I think if you look at most successful people, if you ask most of them, their biggest influence was their dad.