Everybody was upset that Vladimir Putin was missing. He was in Switzerland with his girlfriend. She had a baby in Switzerland because in Russia childbirth is not covered by Putin-care.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Unconditional conditions are sometimes conditioned to conditionally exist.

Prepare to evacuate soul in five, in four, three, two, one.

The willingness to become the answer to the needs of other people is what makes a person really successful

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

The light of lights looks always on the motive, not the deed, the shadow of shadows on the deed alone.

As a designer, you have to solve a lot of problems. Even though people are wearing clothes that are supposed to look beautiful, they'll have to do all kinds of things.

The Universe is on the side of Justice

Rigorous authority and justice are the kindness of kings.

There is nothing so revered yet so reviled as war; for even as it brings out the worst in men, it also brings out the best in them.

Once you start to listen to your voice, you start to feel the power in that.