Everyone just wants to hear the exact jokes that apply to them and want to - everyone wants a perfectly crafted joke for them.

That is the most confusing and insane thing to me, when people get offended on behalf of another group.

I hate that when people are like, "Well, all dwarves know each other, right?" And you want to get mad, but you can't because we do.

I want to go to Australia so bad, do comedy there, and see the people there. It's a great country. I have friends that are Australian that have told me all about it. I want to do comedy there.

It takes a surprisingly large amount of intelligence to be a professional idiot.

The vast majority of people that have gotten mad at me for a joke that I've made were people that were, A, never going to see me in the first place, or, B, were dragged to see me by somebody else.

Comedian makes the statement that just isn't true.

I don't get to the global issues or anything like that. I am just trying to be silly.

People ask me a lot like, "Hey, so when are you done with your tour?" Like when I die. That's when I'm done with my tour.

Everyone's extremely and easily offended now.

It's very confusing to me why people take comedians so seriously.

Step out on faith and walk into your purpose.

Some friends are like sunny days, with false flames, oozing from afar, coming near without a dime.

Wonder or radical amazement is the chief characteristic of the religious man's attitude toward history and nature.

The great cathedral space which was childhood.

The praise that comes from love does not make us vain, but more humble.

I always have two pairs of glasses: geeky black Warby Parker frames and Wayfarer Ray Bans. Those are key!

The proposed Constitution is, in strictness, neither a national nor a federal constitution; but a composition of both.

I just think that I’m a person who’s trying to find the truth and express it as I, you know, get the opportunity.

I didn’t know they’d do this to you. (Syd) It’s okay, Syd. Who could have imagined that a man who heads up a company of paid assassins and mercenaries would be psychotic? (Steele)