Everyone knows if you're going to take weed to school, you put it in your trapper keeper to keep it fresh.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

Is the whole world doomed to emotional trauma?

We’re both made of stars, Jory Birch. Everybody is.

Jealousy is bred in doubts. When those doubts change into certainties, then the passion either ceases or turns absolute madness.

Great is the hand that holds dominion over man by a scribbled name.

The deeper minds of all ages have had pity for animals.

I retired from rugby because I was old and getting really slow.

At the end of the day, when we measure our healthcare, it will not be by the diseases cured, but by the diseases prevented.

Power from on high . . . It is God inserting into you divine activity with mightiness.

My country, right or wrong, but still my country.

To treat life as less than a miracle is to give up on it.