Everyone knows that senior citizens are stupid

I considered myself a professional comedian because the club would pay me $20.

I tend to sit around with my friends a lot and rant and rave about things I think are ridiculous in the world, and I tend to make fun of myself a lot.

I tend to find comedy in dark places. I also tend to find comedy in taking on the status quo - which has always been something I find important.

I had a real passion for performing. I craved the attention. I was a goofy kid just like I am a goofy adult. So as soon as I got the bug of getting laughs and getting on stage I just couldn't stop.

We all borrow and steal and copy from each other, and that's the way I think people get inspired.

I'm no more a lawbreaker than they are , and if they were lawbreakers for keeping God's commandments, they're my example.

Whenever I do something I tend to focus on it and spend all of my time and energy on it.

I think I always enjoyed the energy of a crowd, of being onstage. It started when I was even younger doing public speaking at school and just kept going from there.

It's hard to have any moral authority over a group of drunken college students when you have never had a beer and never been laid.

It's such a huge endeavor putting a full movie together, especially an independent movie. I tend to kind of do them when they come my way more than something than I go out and actively pursue.

Am I falling in love? She thought, is it safe to do so with this man? She thought, I don't need to answer.

If “Been there, done that” isn’t your mantra, then make haste down your “bucket list.

Isn't it remarkable how everyone who knew [D.H.] Lawrence has felt compelled to write about him? Why, he's had more books written about him than any writer since Byron!

Coincidence may be described as the chance encounter of two unrelated causal chains which - miraculously, it seems - merge into a significant event.

Your reputation is what people say about you. Your character is what God and your wife know about you.

At Nature's Kitchen we take pride in saying that we wouldn't serve anything to your children that we wouldn't feed to our own children.

Knavery seems to be so much a the striking feature of its inhabitants that it may not in the end be an evil that they will become aliens to this kingdom.

There is really quite an inherent danger in the traditional British view that the council of ministers and inter-governmentalism is your protection against the federalist superstate.

Pat answers to complex problems are the hallmark of intellectual mediocrity

If you really want a challenge, just deal with yourself.