Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I imagine that one of the biggest troubles with colleges is there are too many distractions, too much panty-raiding, fraternities, and boola-boola and all of that.

My dreams were all my own

She would let a speeding automobile hit her to show them all how unloved she was.

Chance favors those in motion.

I'm thankful for my songs being at the top of the charts but I am human - I think people still have to remember that.

Patriotism must be founded on great principals and supported by great virtue.

In the white light of eternity, there is only eternity.

When you move your focus from competition to contribution life becomes a celebration. Never try to defeat people, just win their hearts.

When we understand our baptismal covenant and the gift of the Holy Ghost, it will change our lives and will establish our total allegiance to the kingdom of God.

I play with children so that I can learn from them.