Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

Flappers sounds like where waitresses go after they're too old to work at Hooters.

Ordinary courage is about putting our vulnerability on the line. In today’s world, that’s pretty extraordinary.

And I'm okay with drowning.

We can trust our doctors to be professional, to minister equally to their patients without regard to their political or religious beliefs. But we can no longer trust our professors to do the same.

There must always be a first," said Jem. "It is not easy to be first, and it is not always rewarding, but it is important.

Politicians are making deals for their benefit. Now we are going to make the deals for the American people.

Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.

Death is death no matter how it is inflicted

And I will make thee beds of roses, And a thousand fragrant posies.

If Honda does not race, there is no Honda.