Everyone thinks Angelina Jolie was the first celebrity baby hoarder, but she wasn't. Before Angelina there was Mia Farrow. Mia had an entire farm full of children. I think she got them at Costco.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Our virtues and our failings are inseparable, like force and matter. When they separate, man is no more.

You are the only common denominator in everything that has happened to you in life, be it good or bad. To learn/grow from these experiences, you must accept the role you played in each of them.

There's no way to resolve Syria without Iran being involved, given its financing of Assad and the fact that Hezbollah is probably the most effective fighting force that Assad can count on.

You've got to be able to copy things faithfully before you can deviate.

I don't think you can have pain and soul-searching doing the right thing for your child.

It is known (to some) that by dwelling in the present, conceding what is necessary to past and future, but no more than is necessary, it is quite possible to live happily ever after

If Glenn Hoddle had been any other nationality, he would have had 70 or 80 caps for England.

The herd seek out the great, not for their sake but for their influence; and the great welcome them out of vanity or need.

When we do what we love, again and again, our life comes to hold the fragrance of that thing.

His teeth sang in their individual sockets like tuning forks, each one pitch-perfect and clear as ethanol.