Everyone thinks I'm Jewish. I'm not. Last year I got a call: "Happy Hanukkah." I said "Ma, I'm not Jewish."

I keep my stand-up comedy notes in a pile on my desk. I don't organize my act. I keep myself in a state of confusion. It stresses me out, but I prefer creative chaos.

I don't get jealous of people. Jealousy is such a waste of time because you're jealous of them, and they go about their lives and have a wonderful time, so what's the point?

Those flowers were picked by illegal immigrants. And they're not voting for you, b*tch.

Madeleine Albright, when you see her, she's not a beautiful woman and she's getting older. But you're saying that woman has gravitas. She knows what she's talking about.

I want to do an intelligent talk show where you have room to breathe...

I don't need a diet pill. I need something that gives you an electric shock when you reach for food.

Statistically, skinny women die younger than fat women. Why? Because fat women are killing them.

Republican Party hasn't been black friendly over the many centuries in this country.

Comedians usually are rooting for the underdog. I mean to take a shot at an underdog I think is really stupid and low and not funny.

A better thing to grow up with is to be funny I think, and if I had, if I had my choice I would still pick that.

In a world of limitations, only a fool would hesitate to touch the infinite.

Staying married to one person was boring. She figured she was too complicated for that. Interesting people had complicated lives.

Orrin Hatch is old enough to be my father, and I don't want my father running the United States Senate Finance Committee.

People always say a script will be 'brought to life in a magical way,' but for me that has been proven wrong time and time again.

Fang: When do I get out of here? Max: They say a week. Fang: So, like, tomorrow? Max: That's what I'm thinking.

I find most films about fashion terrible because they are caricaturish.

I've always held to the belief, though, that people who do too much acting training always look like they're acting, you know?

The proper role of the judiciary is one of interpreting and applying the law, not making it.

To have a sense of sin means to feel guilty at there being an ethical choice to make, a guilt which, however "good" I may become, remains unchanged.

Change comes more from managing the journey than from announcing the destination