Everyone wants to look good in photographs, even us trolls who tell jokes.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

Constraint inspires creativity

In prison, you learn to count each day and each moment. You even count the bad 'meals' and the unbearable ones.

The three types of misery are the misery of suffering, the misery of change, and pervasive misery.

Rekindling hope, engaging in inner work, and venturing into the world amount to a complete plan for picking yourself up when you're down.

Reading Mission to Paris is like sipping a fine Chateau Margaux: Sublime!

Nothing begins, and nothing ends, That is not paid with moan; For we are born in others pain And perish in our own.

I believed that I wanted to be a poet, but deep down I wanted to be a poem.

Something about this boat screamed, "I am a very popular model in the world's oil-bearing regions. I cost more than your soul!

I think my English is bad.