Everything I ever learned I was told by someone else.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

They find me odd, and whisper behind hands…And my brutal desires sink hooks into their lips…

Romance should never begin with sentiment. It should begin with science and end with a settlement.

Even when the experts all agree, they may well be mistaken.

Building a wardrobe is like building a circle of friends your whole life.... Your own beauty is to be yourself, but of course we need tools and accessories.

It is a paradoxical statement, but it takes incredible personal discipline to play with great freedom.

I don't have a past. I have a continuous present. The past is part of the present, just as the future is. We exist in time.

Occasionally, some sitcoms still stereotype women - the old dragon or the dolly bird - but on the whole we've moved away from that.

Your life feels different on you, once you greet death and understand your heart's position.

On Wall Street he and a few others - how many? three hundred, four hundred, five hundred? had become precisely that... Masters of the Universe.

if they make me watch that movie one more time, I will fall down on my knees and beg for mercy