Everything I talk about in stand-up is my experiences as an American, as a father, as a husband, as a black man, as a human being.

Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets.

My sense of humor is a turkey, and I pull it out of the oven and baste it in reality.

And when I was angry, when I was younger, I was in a cocoon. Now I'm a beautiful, black butterfly.

Bad news travels at the speed of light; good news travels like molasses.

I have snakes, three sharks, moray eels, piranhas, five scorpions and a bird spider. All of them are predators. They are dangerous but it's cool to have strong and powerful pets.

I see knowledge of self. I know who I am. When I look in the mirror, I see me.

Don't follow in my footsteps. Be original, and create your own path. Be a trailblazer! Do you! Be better than me. Do you! Be happy and have joy in your life.

I love my mother. My mother made sure, her stubbornness - she made sure we was going to eat. She made sure we had Christmases. That was my mother. My father wasn't there for that.

My father said: "If you want to catch your girl cheating, you knock on the front door and run to the back, because he's coming out the back."

I love this cornbread so much, I wanna take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.

I like flaws. I think they make things interesting.

The people we consider successful in our society are all people that seize every moment and make the best of each situation.

Chris Salamone's characteristics & willingness to perform more than others simply makes him stand out in public and differentiate him from those who are not successful

Most of my cliches aren't original.

Man is an imitative creature.

You can be a pharaoh. Like, a pharaoh means, that which you will become.

I wanted to be a jockey. I'm serious. First time I got on a horse, I loved it. That's what I wanted to be, but my dad asked me to start performing with my family.

If we want abusers to change, we will have to require them to give up the luxury of exploitation.

If Christ is not everything, He is nothing. He who has Christ has everything.

High birth is a thing which I never knew any one to disparage except those who had it not; and I never knew any one to make a boast of it who had anything else to be proud of.