Everything is in how you are going to handle it. As a lifelong nightclub comic, I'm ready to handle whatever I have to handle.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it, it's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen. You see an éclair in the receptacle... and you think to yourself: "What the hell, I'll just eat some trash."

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Keep your head up in failure and your head down in success.

Airline hostesses show you how to use a seatbelt in case you haven't been in a car since 1965.

In every tear there is a melting sorrow, in every laughter a flaming joy

I use music as a medium to talk to people.

Bismarck was a large persian cat owned by Florence Nightingale.

You always know when something works it's a result of everything firing on all cylinders.

I consider any gun that can chamber a round and send a projectile down its barrel at a high rate of speed into my body - causing me injury or death - to be an assault weapon.

Do your practice and all is coming.

Politics is the activity by which the framework of human life is sustained; it is not life itself.

In my thought there is only one universal religion, whose varied paths are but the fingers of the loving hand of the Supreme Being.

Unbelief starves the soul; faith finds food in famine.

I've lived in Paris. I've lived in the Slovak Republic. I've spent extensive time in England, and I've traveled all over Europe.