Everything is presented in as devious a manner as it could possibly be presented.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

Two people who are true friends are like two bodies with one soul

The only thing that counts in life is solid, material assets. It's no time for theories when everything is falling to pieces around us.

How did I go from being the maiden in a fairy tale to a wretched old maids so quickly? It happened almost without my realizing it...

A man like Verdi must write like Verdi.

People still come up to me and say, 'Hey, 'Teen Wolf!' 'Teen Wolf Too' closed a week after it opened. Where did they see it?

I have no ghost writers. I personally write every message and every piece of published mail.

We all grow older and we all have to live with ourselves.

Show me a person who has nothing to hide, and I'll show you a person who is either exceedingly dull - or a complete exhibitionist

Neither criticism nor praise should be highly regarded.

It is a good sign when He burdens us with [crosses] and we carry them well, but woe to the person who runs away from them, for he will find such heavy ones that they will overwhelm him.