Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

But for this book we could not know right from wrong.

My heart felt like a balloon that was filling too full, and I panicked. I might get the bends, the way scuba divers did when they surfaced too fast.

To convert an hourly wage to an approximate yearly salary double the wage and change the decimal to a comma.

There are certain natures to whom work is nothing the act of work everything.

Fat is your friend. The brain thrives on a fat-rich, low-carbohydrate diet.

I always live in the present. The future I can't know. The past I no longer have.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

You're a very odd man," said Bert. "I get that more often than you'd think," replied Charles.

I doubt if 5% of professing Christians in America are born again-and that's true of England!

Nothing is better for being Eternal Nor so white as the white that dies of a day.