Experience is what enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

This would be a much better world if more married couples were as deeply in love as they are in debt.

Always remember, money isn't everything - but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense.

One way to get high blood pressure is to go mountain climbing over molehills.

Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough.

A vacation is what you take when you can no longer take what you've been taking.

You may not be able to read a doctor's handwriting and prescription, but you'll notice his bills are neatly typewritten.

A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings.

Gossip is when you hear something you like about someone you don't.

Today, there are three kinds of people: the haves, the have-nots, and the have-not-paid-for-what-they-haves.

That is the remarkable thing about drinking: it brings people together so quickly, but between night and morning it sets an interval again of years.

Champagne, if you are seeking the truth, is better than a lie detector. It encourages a man to be expansive, even reckless, while lie detectors are only a challenge to tell lies successfully.

If you're a racist, right now, in 2011... You just look like a retard, man.

I believe that if you die trying to be your best, the world is still a better place.

People who are smart get into Mensa. People who are really smart look around and leave.

We started this band as kids, and as time has gone on, we've grown and are learning to accommodate each others' differences.

If they can make penicillin out of mouldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.

I think that being on the road and doing more and more stand-up has allowed me to figure out... like, I don't think I'll ever be Bill Hicks, but I think I'm figuring out what my opinion is on things.

I truly believe that a woman can have anything she wants - if she's willing to do the hard work it takes to get it.